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Sunday, June 18, 2006

Would you care to dance?

Sounds like a pretty reasonable question. And, for most people the answer is simple. Either yes...if you'd like to or No thank you...if you don't. So why is it for me that question seems fraught with peril? First of all let me put this out there.

Reason #8 for losing weight: having the confidence to say yes when an atractive woman asks me to dance and not having to have a inner dialoug with myself about her motivations.

So it goes like this. I was out watching my friends Justin and Brian play music at a nice little outside venue in a small college town near home. I was singing along with the music and a young woman in front of me leaned toward me and remarked about my knowing all the words and then asked me why I wasn't dancing. I smiled and politely told her that I just don't dance. She said, "c'mon lets dance...that's half the fun." I declined, smiling sheepishly, sinking back into my chair. She persisted and I resisted and eventually she gave up.

Now, it's not that I didn't want to dance with her, quite the contrary. I may be fat but I'm still a guy. The fact is that several things go through my head in situations like this. First is drawing any undue attention to myself in public. Of course that's funny because I often like being the center of attention. Take this blog for instance. Well maybe this is more of an exercise in socialization than a ploy for attention.

Second...how should I put this? Well, we all know about inertia. Newton's laws tell us that "An object at rest tends to stay at rest and an object in motion tends to stay in motion with the same speed and in the same direction unless acted upon by an unbalanced force." Meaning, when I start dancing sometimes i'll get going one direction but some of me is still going the other direction and it makes it very hard to keep rhythm.

I guess part of it is that I tend to hide behind my weight in uncomfortable social situations. In the interest of being as open as I can be I'll admit that i haven't had very many physically intimate relationships with women because of my discomfort with my weight and the ones i have had, while memorable, were short lived. I've also let a few amazing women slip through my fingers because I sat on my feelings so long that opportunity passed me by.

I'm not the first to go through this and I'm sure not the last. I don't even expect that losing weight will magically fix the issues I have with self esteem. What it will do is remove the primary excuse I have used to let my life continue to pass me by.

Now the question is...do I push the publish button and cement the idea that I may be brutally honest from time to time or do I scrap this post and go back to my comfort zone?

Ahhh....what the hell...


Blogger Billy Guilfoyle said...

Hey my good friend, Seanster, how are you? I'm so glad you posted this. This is the stuff that makes healing possible. ON the right track is an understatement. I think that the stuff you've had to go through sucks and I'm really sorry that it has happened to you.

A good friend listens. If you need anything, call me at (530)342-8755.

I normally don't do this. I usually watch people go in their directions and all, without too much interference. But I have two books that if you read will change things for you in such a beneficial way that it is beyond description or imagination.
Meditation: The First and Last Freedom, by Osho. Order it on Amazon.
And lastly, The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment, by Eckhart Tolle. Can be bought at any bookstore in the world almost.

I promise you this: Take a few moments to give yourself this ultimate in love and get these two books ASAP, and you will have no problem losing the weight and self-confidence will automatically arise. This shift in consciousness is real and available. All you have to do is go down the waterslide. Love you man and keep me posted on your reading,
Billy G.

2:59 PM, June 18, 2006  
Anonymous Tracy said...

Hey there, saw the link on One Red Paperclip and thought I'd drop by to say "way to go"! Just read through your past posts - looks like you're on a roll so far, congratulations!

Also, I'm glad you did decide to publish this particular post and resisted the urge to hit delete. The menus and the workouts are good for keeping you honest, but its posts like this that really get to the heart of why you, and we, are here. Please keep them coming!


10:04 PM, June 18, 2006  
Blogger evamarie said...

Thanks Sean for your opennness. It's what really counts. xo Eva

5:49 AM, June 19, 2006  
Blogger Candy Minx said...

Hey Sean...wow...

And this is where it gets interesting. Bless you for sharing these thoughts...I think they are things all of us have felt in different ways. It makes me so sad to think of you having these kinds of dillemas...

I think reading some books like Billy suggested is a good idea. They could be a kind of private company for you...a window too... More than anything your goal of weight loss is a metaphor for the transformative power we each have inside of us...we feel it all the time with an incredible book, with live music, with flirting when looking at art,with seeing the world in a different way...

And really your fundraising and weightloss goals are much more, they are about the spirit and about who YOU are...and who you also might be hiding within your public persona.

The other night is not a bad thing, thats a doorway to where you are going. And you better get used to girls asking you to dance because I figure in a month or two...after you become confident on your treadmill...your balance will also be transforming...and you WILL have more control dancing...

And you are one good looking man anyways...but a man on a mission is just damn sexy SEXY!!!And a man on a mission with a great personality and heart is just stupid HOT!!!

So get ready for even more girls asking you to dance dude!

Love always,

8:38 AM, June 19, 2006  
Blogger Mood Indigo said...

Hi Sean - also routed here via ORP but happy to see a new, unique and most importantly HONEST blog. Never question whether you should hit the publish button - especially taking on an endeavor as you are, honesty is what counts. You are on the right track and I bet your following will grow! Good luck :)

8:44 AM, June 19, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

wow, I'm so impressed with what you are doing and as an overweight womyn I really feel for you in this post. Every intimate relationship I've ever been in has been sabotaged by my discomfort with my weight. Good luck with all your ventures and thanks for having the guts to be honest!

12:02 AM, June 20, 2006  
Blogger Sean Perkey said...

Ok, cool! I thought I had scared everyone away with that post! Wheeew...
This is all new to me and I have to make a conscious effort to be really honest. It's a vulnerable place to be and I'm used to being pretty guarded. Everyone's encouragement goes a long way to making me more comfortable. I'll make you a pledge. I'll continue to try to be this open and we'll see where it takes us.

Thanks everyone. Billy I'll check out those books and let you know (got your # thanks)

Candy: as always. amazing post. Thanks for the encouragement...maybe you're right...someday I'll have to fight them off with a stick...

Anyone got a good stick?... wait...what am I saying? Who needs a stick? I'm a lover not a fighter ;)

3:26 AM, June 20, 2006  

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