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Thursday, July 06, 2006

"The Crush"...on the need for personal connection in order to achieve real pleasure from physical intimacy...

Once again I would like to thank another Watcher for her generous donation to the American Diabetes Association!

Virginia S.

Thank you so much for your contribution!
************************

I was going through some old live journal posts that I made a couple of years ago and came across something that I wrote in response to a friends musing about the nature of lust as apposed to the intimacy of a commited and developed relationship. She was struggling with the fact that she had what amounted to a serious "Crush" on someone but was reluctant to act upon it because, as she put it, she had always needed a deeper personal connection with a partner before she could experience any meaningful pleasure from physical intimacy.

Having had my fare share of crushes and not acting on them for reasons usually connected to my weight and personal body image I couldn't relate completely but I could give her the benefit of my own experience from the sidelines.

so...this is what I wrote...
~snip~

The "connection" conundrum is a mechanism of self-preservation for people like you and me. I walk around skin starved. bare to the bone mal-affectioned, fiending for intimacy. Real intimacy, connection-affection, tenderly affected connection. However I have one aegis you do not have, one shield that keeps me from bellying up to the banquet of self-indulgence. No matter how rapacious my craving, how excruciatingly desolate my condition I am constrained by an overwhelmingly stupid negative body image. I'm cursed, it seems. But, that's not the issue here at all.


All things being equal and self defeating negativity aside I fear that I would glut myself to disolve the pang, gorge myself on the most intimate of confectionery pleasures. But connection is what we seek. Problematic? Almost...the requirement of connection should be enough to engender strict selectivity however we are forgetting one very important and overriding factor. The Crush. The archenemy of discretion...our Achilles heel. The crush is a betrayer of the most cunning order, imitating intimacy, approximating affection, consisting merely of vague impressions and hormonal blinders distracting enough to transform even Milton's "Dire Chimeras" into visions lovely enough, enticing enough to make one take leave of nagging, protective senses, long enough to satisfy the hunger and sooth the flesh starved beast.

~snip~

I'm not too sure what this has to do with anything except that my mind has stuck on the subject of what I have denied myself because of my weight. It always seems to come back to personal relationships...what could have been, what might not have been. I have no trouble admitting that I have regrets but I'm hoping that soon I won't have to consciously create new ones.

7 Comments:

Blogger The EYE said...

try to look forward and not back... at least, don't dwell on it anyway.

oh, and not like it hasn't been said before, but... man can you write.

"The crush is a betrayer of the most cunning order, imitating intimacy, approximating affection, consisting merely of vague impressions and hormonal blinders distracting enough to transform even Milton's "Dire Chimeras" into visions lovely enough, enticing enough to make one take leave of nagging, protective senses, long enough to satisfy the hunger and sooth the flesh starved beast."

talk about cracking the nail on the head with a sledge, and yet doing so with some serious style.

5:39 AM, July 06, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

WOW! I agree with the eye, you are some kind of writer!

Having had some level of experience with addiction, I can tell you that the difference between crush and addiction is merely the subject. Be it human, drug, or even food, the consuming distraction, longing, and leave of senses feels remarkably similar. You can forgive your "crush" of things unthinkable, go to great lenghts to hide it, defend it and support it, even though you know its making you miserable.

9:40 AM, July 06, 2006  
Blogger theshellieshow said...

ditto the eye!

1:12 PM, July 06, 2006  
Blogger Carmen San Diego said...

Wow great writing. Don't look back because you aren't going there. Look only at the present even the future is to unpredictable. That's why they call today, now, present because in a way it is a present. Its what we have at the moment.

2:16 PM, July 06, 2006  
Blogger Invader Stu said...

That was an amazing post. It real made me think about the way I avoid some situations because I don't feel comfortable with myself when I should not really let it stop me.

5:10 PM, July 06, 2006  
Blogger Billy Guilfoyle said...

Wow man, that was kind of a downer.

4:53 AM, July 07, 2006  
Blogger Sean Perkey said...

Thanks everyone! It would be soo tiring to write like that all the time...not to mention sooo pretentious. It's really only appropriate some times. Thanks for your comments...I'm glad it made sense out of the original context!

Oh and don't worry. I'm not dwelling too much...more like thinking ahead to all the things that I plan to rectify. Or at least catch up on. On another level what I wrote is a big part of my social identity so it's never very far from my thoughts.

5:41 AM, July 07, 2006  

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