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Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Part 2 of "It came from the closet..."

hmmm...so where was I? Oh that's right! Closet door slowly opening, arm hair standing on end and the only thing between me and certain doom was a lazy-eye'd sheep named Allen. (what? I didn't name him...talk with his mother)

So there we were...Allen and me. The other 73 sheep having taken the coward's rout, ducking back into their wall hole. Come to think of it It was about then that I wish I had had the foresight to dig my own wall hole...you know, for just this type of occasion. But here I was...holeless standing behind a, possibly, imaginary sheep who didn't have the sense to abandon me like his brothers and sisters.

The door creeked as it continued to open. I thought I was going to pass out...I looked down at my feet. Allen had beat me to the punch. Bless his heart...he was all spralled out on the floor...tongue hanging out one eye closed and the lazy one still looking at the lamp.

Just then I looked up and a hand reached around the closet door gripping it in such a way as to get more leverage. It was dark but my eyes were acustomed to the light being completely dialated with fear by this point. I could make out that the hand was really big and covered with what appeared to be moles with coarse hairs protruding from them. The nails were long and jagged like something with bad teath had been chewing on them and the hand left a greasy smudge on the door as it continued to slowly push it open.

By this point my fear had surpassed my curiosity and I turned to run. Little did I know, Allen had somehow wrapped his legs around mine in terror before he passed out so I was not only tangled up in sheep but my leg had fallen asleep. (oh and yes I get the irony in that) Needless to say I fell. I must have wacked my head pretty good too because I had a good sized lump and a whopper of a headache!

The moment I got my bearings back I turned my attention back to the closet. There was nothing there... I quickly got up and rushed for the light switch. I was all alone...no sheep, no monster in the closet...nothing. Had I imagined it. No I couldn't have... Why else would I have this horrible headache and this lump on my head. I know what I saw...It was so real. By this time I had calmed down enough to at least go look in the closet. As I approached the closet door I saw it... "how could I have missed it?" I closed and rubbed my eyes just in case I was seeing things but when I opened them...there it was. As Plain as day..the huge greasy hand print. The arm hairs started to stand up again as I grabbed a near by baseball bat and flung open the closet door!! I jabbed the bat into the closet and swung it madly around hitting everything but my intended target. The closet was empty. Except for the normal closet things...coats, shoes and my trusty toboggan! As I stepped further in, just to make sure, my foot came to rest on something that sounded like paper. When I bent over to pick it up I found that it was a note scribbled out on a greasy piece of paper bag like material.

the note read...

Hello,

Do not be afraid. I am here to help. For months now I have waited quietly, each night, in your closet. I have waited patiently and quietly waiting for the perfect moment to begin my work but that moment has never come. You never sleep...and, you see, that makes it very hard for me to do my job. Tonight was a mistake. Until now I have worked in complete obscurity. No one has seen me. You almost saw me and that would have been a very bad thing. Even writing this note to you now may set in motion events that I may not be able to control. I must remember to be much more careful in the future. There's no telling what they would do if you ever had proof I exsisted. But I worry about you and I want to help you...but you never sleep. You've worked so hard and have come so far. It would be a shame for all your hard work not to pay off...it's just...you never sleep. I can't come to you if you don't sleep. so...sleep...

yours truly,
The Fat Fairy

Now. I know what you're saying. There's no such thing as a Fat Fairy. But that's just it. They don't want us to know about it but have you ever noticed how everyone always tells you to get plenty of sleep when you're trying to lose weight? Well...that has to come from somewhere. Who's to say that there's not a fat fairy? They got a tooth fairy and no one seems to question that? What if there's a fat little fairy with flappy little wings and a bucket that goes around to all the good hard working dieters at night and, while they sleep, he performs his magic lipo suction and then leaves a nickle under your pillow? All I'm saying is that it would explain a lot. I haven't slept in months and the slow fat loss. Oh and if that's not enough proof for you...I have one more bit of evidence. It seems that when I tripped and fell I knocked over my camera and it seems to have shot a frame of whatever was in my room that night. I know I didn't take it and no one else uses my camera so I can only assume that this is the only known picture of the Fat Fairy on record... It's not for the faint of heart so look if you think you can handle it...
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Fat Fairy? You be the judge




Now...remember. This is between you and me so don't go leaking the info. There's no telling what Might happen if he catches wind of this blog post. Even if he's not what he says he is...I don't want whatever's living in my closet to be mad at me...or you...

22 Comments:

Blogger The EYE said...

ah yes, the fat fairy. i dont necessarily approve of his entrance methods, but hes helpful nonetheless! if you accidentally see him again, give him a high five for me.

you know, its too bad the fat fairy and the sandman have an old grudge... otherwise id think maybe they could tag team and work together on you. oh well... guess you just have to work with them separately. i take it that the sleep thing is slowly working on getting better?

7:22 AM, September 27, 2006  
Blogger Mike Falcone said...

That is so crazy!

8:40 AM, September 27, 2006  
Blogger Scrapnqueen said...

Hilarious! May you have many nickels under your pillow.

8:49 AM, September 27, 2006  
Anonymous the fat fairy said...

you weren't supposed to tell anybody!

2:23 PM, September 27, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Sean,

We've already discussed how I thought that you were serious about something being in your closet in part I, and I even heard noises in my closet the night after reading your blog that had me sitting straight up! You are too funny! Yes, I have SUCKER written all over my forehead. Good to see a post from you. I hope all is well. How's the foot doing? Have you made any more adventurous meals? ;) KA

2:24 PM, September 27, 2006  
Blogger Joanne said...

I love it! Great way to start my work day...I've been waiting for Part 2.

4:07 PM, September 27, 2006  
Blogger Candy Minx said...

Whoa...scary. Well apparently it is very difficult to lose weight when you don't sleep. I read something about this a couple of weeks ago and it just blew my mind. Supermodels sleep really really long hours(I always thought they slept so much because of all the drugs and partying they did, but NO!) and stress hormones from no sleep keep the weight from dispensing!!!

Oh dear, well at least you are on to this whole thing.

Kisten, hey, I'm having an art opening and you're invited! I hope you can drop by have a glass of wine or a coffee...got some jiuce too. Got lots of healthy snakcks like vegies and hummus. Bring some friends!!!

Here is the address:

http://gnosticminx.blogspot.com/2006/09/gallery-for-day.html

9:43 AM, September 28, 2006  
Blogger Candy Minx said...

Whoa...scary. Well apparently it is very difficult to lose weight when you don't sleep. I read something about this a couple of weeks ago and it just blew my mind. Supermodels sleep really really long hours(I always thought they slept so much because of all the drugs and partying they did, but NO!) and stress hormones from no sleep keep the weight from dispensing!!!

Oh dear, well at least you are on to this whole thing.

Listen, hey, I'm having an art opening and you're invited! I hope you can drop by have a glass of wine or a coffee...got some jiuce too. Got lots of healthy snakcks like vegies and hummus. Bring some friends!!!

Here is the address:

http://gnosticminx.blogspot.com/2006/09/gallery-for-day.html

9:44 AM, September 28, 2006  
Blogger Invader Stu said...

Great story. Is Allen the sheep alright?

4:18 PM, September 28, 2006  
Anonymous Plaid Phantom said...

My lips are sealed.

11:27 PM, September 28, 2006  
Blogger Sean Perkey said...

the eye: yeah seriously...that hole closet thing is just plain freaky! Will do on the high fiver though!

Yeah...what was their original beef anyway? I think a little team work is just what the dr ordered...
As far as getting better. I can't really tell. I think I'm just getting used to not sleeping...like sleepy just seems normal to me now...

Mike: hehe thanks!

Scrapqueen: Oh yes the old Irish blessing! Thanks
;0)

FF: uuuuh....oops? (It is good to know that we get wi-fi in the closet though!)

KA: haha! Sorry about that. I was going for funny at first and I think it was a little but spooky seemed easier in the end! Hope the noises have stopped. Do like I did and get a baseball at and start Swatting anything that moves! or doesn't move!

everything's 'bout the same...pretty good but sleepy. Foots ok but i tripped last night and tweaked it a bit. the pool cardio is helping rest it and that makes it feel better than anything else. And no really adventurous cooking in the last few days...just haven't been home at the right time but I do have some chicken thawed out and ready to go!

Joanne: hey there! Thanks! Sorry to keep you waiting. I had fun writing that. I came up with the concept for the Fat fairy while talking to my trainer about the need for sleep to help the fat loss process...we figured that the fat fairy was the most logical explaination! ;0)

Candy: HUH maybe there is someting to this in the first place...I just need to lick this sleep thing...and here I was about to go out and start smoking CRACK for it's slimming effects! LOL j/k Thanks for the info...it's pretty much as I had assumed...

Oh and thanks for the link. I'll look a little more closely later but on first glance I love the colors and patterns! It's so good to get all that creativity out and make it tangible. Art Rocks!

Stu: uuuuum I hope so...to tell you the truth I don't really know if he exsisted in the first place but from what I know about Allen...he's a scrapper...he may have a lazy eye but he's a master at things like 1-2-3-4 I declare a thumb war...even without thumbs...you should see it sometime it's amazing. He gets that little hoof workin'...there's no stopping him. I think he could fend off one fairy by himself...I hope.
Thanks stu!

Plaid: Mum's the word and bob's your uncle!
Thanks!

3:32 AM, September 29, 2006  
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